I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
