My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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