guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
