Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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