He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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