we have officially lost it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
