Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
