I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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