you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
