I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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