I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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