he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
