I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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