Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
