Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
