I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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