i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I could make wine with my vomit
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
