You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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