you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
