I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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