I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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