Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
