Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
