My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
