paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷