What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.