dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.