You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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