What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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