I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize