and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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