my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
