she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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