Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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