My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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