I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
