Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
