Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
