it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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