For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
