Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
