The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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