I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
