I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
