someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
