my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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