I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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