Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
