i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
