Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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