I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
