"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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