I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
