Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
