On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
