we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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