Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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