you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
