Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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