after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
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I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Someone signed my nipple.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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