dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
